Tales of catastophe, sex and squalor from the Alpine Underbelly...

Belle de Neige

Tuesday, 11 February 2014

Why don't bitches ride no more?

Excuse me, but what the fuck is this?


Oh. I know. It's Vogue magazine peddling drivel on the subject of skiing. As if they have even a rhesus monkey's inkling in Higgs Bosun of what they're talking about.

Allow me to speak for an entire section of snow-borne society in saying this to you Vogue:

"FUCK. OFF."

Yes Vogue you bunch of prancing tossers. I'm talking to you. Peddling this kind of bullshit in our territory, is not welcome. You don't belong here. How dare you write an article on 'ski chic', when you don't ski? If Seth Morrison turned up on the Paris catwalk and started lecturing Kate Sodding Moss about Manolo Blahniks what sort of expression do you think would creep over her alabaster features? It would be one of pure fury, disdain and bile-soaked ire... So may I enquire why you feel entitled to print such a load of drivel and sell it to the unsuspecting, paying public?

Aren't your tits a bit cold, luv?

For those of you without the stomach to read it, let me summarise this lacklustre piece of pseudo-fashion journalism for you. The general gist is as follows:

"How to be ski chic? Don't ski. As every on-trend fashionista knows, skiing is a non essential part of a ski holiday. The real point is to get selfies and be 'seen' poncing around in Lacroix with a fruit bowl on your head, looking like a cunt."

I don't know where to begin with this article. I feel deeply in my soul that it's the root of everything that's wrong with ski resorts and the 'upper echelons' of the clientelle that visit them. Particularly people like Sadie Fucking Frost. And Nick Knob Grimshaw.

A few of my choice turds from this article:

Wear monochrome


Up a mountain? Oh yeah. I'm so cool I'm dressed like a rock.

Moon Boots are still in

 

Er....I beg to differ. What in the name of Zeus' left testicle are you talking about?

Anything goes...even Pandas on your trousers.



Say what?

Yes. That's true, if you're seven years old and your parents are blind people from China.

...I think more than anything it's the haughty, conceited, know-it-all tone of this article that offends me most. It oozes arrogance -that familiar hallmark of the ignoramus - like a suppurating boil. It's meant to be tongue in cheek. But no. It's just shit.

Nick Grimshaw and Sadie Frost took meditation classes instead of skiing, did they? Well hopefully the narcissistic, agave syrup guzzling half-wits spent the time meditating on what a pair of cunts they are, wasting money in an otherwise hostile environment. 

Meditation clearly working wonders there Sade...

You turn up in your over-egged four by four, demanding heated driveways, so you don't slip over in your stupid, overpriced shoes and your canine canape's feet don't freeze, raising the temperatures in the resort and fucking the environment while you're at it. Then you proceed to not ride because you have no joy in your soul.

If you have come to a resort to 'see' and 'be seen' one has to ask, why? Aren't there a million other less extreme environments in which you can satisfy your nebular ego? You have totally missed the point of what the mountains have to offer. You can prance around in a fur lined Moncler anorak anywhere. Go to Siberia and die. I certainly don't want to look at you. Especially if you're that much of a hag that over exposure to clean mountain air makes your skin chafe and flake off. Maybe you should lay off the cocaine and botox if that's the case! Or eat some meat (because you're no doubt vegan or some shit like a 'Cloudarian'). 

This kind of crap is exactly why bitches don't ski no more!

Ladies of the Alps, I say to you that people like this should be pole whacked in the Montcler tits. Don't be a Sadie, or an Arizona or a Tamara. Be an Aimee or a Jenny.Get out there and live, and ride and get messy and scare yourself. Say yes to everything. Jig around topless with a pint of Mutzig in each hand. Crowd surf. Then be on the mountain at 8.45 choking back the sick, but RIDING GOD DAMN IT. Girls that ride are awesome. I've met some of the most, interesting, capable women of my life on ski seasons. The type who, like Aimee, will go upside down just to get the crowd going.They have bigger balls than most guys you'll meet. They're the type of women you aspire to be friends with.

Both these ladies, I might add, started their ski careers scrubbing poo off u-bends in chalets, so none of you lot out there have any excuse.

What is more troubling though, about this fact, is it actually indicates that there is a modicum of believability behind the story line of 'Chalet Girl' the movie...

So in conclusion, if you want ski fashion tips don't take them from Vogue. Take them from this lady:


I hope you'll unite with me in saying "Vogue! Take your cashmere-cunt readership, piss off back to your air conditioned Notting Hill conversions and stop throwing  cigarettes all over the mountain and pushing up the prices."

Here's the reality. If you go to a ski resort and you don't ski, you are not chic. You're just  a dick, in the mountains.

24 comments:

  1. It's like you do all my ranting for me so I don't have to. I read this article and a sudden wave of relief washed over me as if stress had somehow been sapped from me by reading this.

    You get people like this on uni holidays as well. I met a girl that came on a uni ski holiday with our travel company and she didn't even include lessons, ski hire or a lift pass with it. I couldn't believe it.

    I'd go out of my way to spray these people with snow on the way in off the piste if I saw them dressed like they were on that magazine cover. 'Oh I'm terribly sorry that I covered your outfit in snow, you cockgoblin'.

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  2. Yes. I feel I got my Brooker on for this article...

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  3. I had the exact same outrage when I read this article …. it popped up on my fb feed for some godforsaken reason! I was so pissed off by it I had to leave work and go riding...

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    1. I'd say something nice but I'm too jealous you skiing bastard!

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  4. I have to join the movement of sheer disdain at what "Vogue" wrote (and this is coming from a complete beginner). I would like to contribute to the celebrations of revenge against said slope sloths as one afternoon I was boarding back after a somewhat heavy apres ski session when I took out a group of fur clad, moon boot wearing Tamaras, Tarquins, Humphrys and Hectors as I descended the last part of the main run on to the Chaudanne. The dumb idiots had decided to walk down the piste from Belvedere rather than get the bus....

    Granted, it wasn't intentional but the satisfaction I felt when I untangled myself from the netting and saw the carnage that I'd left behind was somewhat gratifying. It certainly made up for the black and blue coxxics I ended up with as a result of my Olympic size crash!

    Keep writing Belle, Loving your work!!!!

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  5. It's my birthday today and reading that article is one of the best presents I've had in a while. Who needs a book when we have BdN?

    Boggart

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  6. A middle class girl bitching about upper class girls, ha

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    Replies
    1. Bien sur.... although... is Sadie Frost technically 'Upper Class'?

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  7. While we're on the subject of peddling drivel on the subject of skiing...

    No, you cannot speak for an entire section of snow-borne society.

    Believe it or not there are those of us who went from Britain to the alps to ski and pursue a sporting interest rather than fellate strangers and blow Daddy's credit card on blow.

    Whilst vogue obviously doesn't get it, do you really think that you do? Do you think that expensive resorts are kept running by high-minded chalet hosts with powder round their noses or by the wealthy minority who pay full price in resort shops for everything from passes to moncler jackets? Whilst it would be great to see the braying donkeys in Prada skiing somewhere else, you might find that the niceties you take for granted became unsustainable without Tarquin or Priscilla footing the bill.

    If you were really the kind of person who just skis for the love of it, you probably wouldn't have read vogues article. As you've presented such a tasteful and eloquent example of literary criticism for us here, a little self-reflection might not go amiss; why not hop over to newschoolers and have a look at what real skiers think of your Vice article and your opinion in general?

    To be honest, this article said more about you than it did about vogue, which might be a starting point if you really are trying to get published. You paint an unoriginal picture of British people as a vile, drug-addled and lecherous bunch of idiots, which puts your work on par with such gems as sun, sex and suspicious parents. Seriously, would you publish you?

    Peddling this kind of bullshit in our territory is not welcome.

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  8. The mountain was there long before you, my dear.

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  9. As someone who lives in the alps and lives in the outdoor snow and surf industry, the irony is that you have most likely bought products from even the most core snow companies whose PLMs and creative directors read Vogue and other high fashion mags. Take a deeper look and you'll discover some marketing and core snow folks go from the industry and into the likes of Ralph Lauren and Tag Heuer and other high end, luxury companies. Walk into any design/marketing department and I promise you'll see rip outs of people in high-fashion mags/websites/culture sources right alongside the core and pro lifestyle inspired images.

    Like it or not, the outdoor sports industry puts everyone, including you, into a niche. Go into any trade show with a distinguishing eye and you'll discover you are a marketing niche. Just because you don't like people who fit into another niche and are marketed and sold to in a different way, doesn't mean you, as well, aren't just the same as them.

    The core market is not the bread and butter of the outdoor and tourism industry and you know this. Sure, it's this small lifestyle niche that inspires beginners and part-timers, but it doesn't keep the alps alive: it's the agriculture and cows that do long past the tourist and the seasonal workers have gone home.

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    Replies
    1. Wow. I literally nearly passed out from boredom.

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    2. Ignorance is exhausting, isn't it?

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  10. Love the Vogue comment about skin, and your response to it. Have these tools actually looked at people who spend all day outside in the mountains? Lara Gut, Tina Maze and Anna Fenniger are all about 50 times hotter than the cokesoaked anorexic cuntrags that the vogue readers are probably basing their look on.

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    Replies
    1. Agreed. Thank God someone out here is talking sense!

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  11. Replies
    1. Er ok..... but how big is your cock?

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  12. It would be a deep day.

    Why no updates?

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    Replies
    1. What would you like me to rant about?

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    2. How about just a general life update

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  15. The hill was there lengthy before you, my beloved. Rezo Systems

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