Tales of catastophe, sex and squalor from the Alpine Underbelly...

Belle de Neige

Wednesday, 6 November 2013

Newbie Seasonnaires: Stuff you might not know you'll need

In my travels around the webosphere this week, I see and hear a lot from the newbie seasonnaire who is unsure what to pack / take with them on their first foray into the alpine underbelly.

Bridget Jones' Cunt

Ahhh, my dear newbie seasonnaires, allow me to assist. The fact that you are asking these questions is good. You have foresight. You will do well. I have foreseen it!

The next 6 months is your big chance. If you do this right, you're in for a treat...


Stuff you might not know you'll need:


  • A 4 plug strip socket with at least 2 metres of cable - believe me, you will thank me.
  • A multitool - in case you drunkenly destroy anything in your accommodation and need to fix it.
  • Some extra cash for the avalanche training and beeps you will inevitably want once you get a sniff of going off piste with your insane room mate.
  • Some really loud speakers for accommodation rave ups


  • A shit load of condoms
  • Bondage tape (my personal preference, but you never know who'll you'll want to tie up and spank)
  • Yorkshire teabags (if you value tea as much as I do. The French / Austrians / Swiss do not understand these things)




  • Branston pickle (same reason)
  • Download a shit load of films in case (in the highly likely event) you can't get wifi in your accommodation
  • Hide my Ass VPN - so you can watch BBC stuff on your laptop while hibernating under your duvet on a hangover / whiteout day.
  • Spirits - If you're in France this is particularly important as the only decent shot they have is that revolting shite Genepi which tastes like your Granny's perfume.. Seriously it's the most foul tasting thing you'll ever experience. Also, booze is expensive in ski resorts so it's good to have a stash.
  • A hip flask. Always a good bonding strategy with new chums on a chairlift.
  • Head torch - for lights-out-cunnilingus

So hot right now

  • Fancy dress - I'd suggest a Gorilla costume or something similar. Otherwise you'll end up having to go to every themed seasonnaire evening as some kind of tin-foil-cardboard fuck up. Don't buy a Kigu they are so 5 seasons ago.
  • A full course of antibiotics
  • Swimming stuff ( in case you start shagging someone who works in a private chalet...although come to think of it you probably won't need the swimmers in that case)
  • Flip flops - a must for end of season sun
  • A jacket and a pair of gloves that you don't mind getting covered in shite (stacking wood / partying)
  • Waxing and edging tools - will save you money / buy you street cred (might even earn you some cash if you do your friends' skis)


Stuff you might not know you won't need (are you confused? I am.)


  • Half the clothes you've packed
  • Anything fancy
  • Ugg boots, trainers, ballet flats or doc martins - firstly because you don't want to look like a cunt, secondly because they are totally useless.


Get a pair of these:




Oh yes. Also ....leave behind any ski equipment you bought prior to being a seasonnaire. Remember that Spyder ski jacket and blades you bought? Yeah. They're not cool, I'm afraid. Steeze yourself out.

Also, watch this film

Pay heed to this

...and some words of advice....

Say yes to everything, see everyone as a potential buddy, don't stay in, go out... shag wherever possible... don't whinge....do your job properly...and for Christ's sake...SKI (or snowboard)! Even if you've had 1/2 an hour's sleep and worked a six hour shift and you can only fit an hour in...SKI! Don't be a pussy.

There, consider yourself initiated.

16 comments:

  1. Oooh....and before I forget, a tip for packing!

    Put as many of your clothes packed around your skis/board as you can. Get a rucksack as hand luggage and put your ski / snowboard boots in that and carry it on. That means your main bag that goes in the hold will have plenty of space in it for more fancy dress outfits and random crap like tea bags and most of your essentials go through as 'sports equipment'. Nice.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Further to your point about money for beeps:
      If your plan is to get a lot of backcountry riding done, then just get the beeps and a shovel and a probe (Oooh) before you go out there. Don't go into the backcountry unless everyone in the group has all that shit, and knows how to use it.

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3K_v20DPrkI

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGQFi-DmeYU

      Delete
  2. Belle i will pretend that this last post was a mistake and a temporary lapse in judgment.
    Your blog has long been a reliable source of amusement and wisdom. However in this most recent post you have clearly contradicted many of the values that people who actually do seasons hold dear. I will split my complaints down into a structure that a city girl will be able to comprehend. There will be no use of words such as "harsh", "stomped", "fun" , "rad"or "GNAR" as they have clearly lost their meaning to you. So without further a do let us proceed.

    1) To Quote "Fancy dress - I'd suggest a Gorilla costume or something similar. Otherwise you'll end up having to go to every themed seasonnaire evening as some kind of tin-foil-cardboard fuck up. Don't buy a Kigu they are so 5 seasons ago."

    So i start with by far the most offensive piece of literature. seasonnaire life is not about some swanky, expensive, quality, gorilla costume that you bought for your nephew's 8th birthday party. If doing a season was as structured and organised as this gorilla costume i would not do them. It has too much to go right and things going well is not always as fun as things going wrong. If i decide to walk into a bar in nothing more than an empty chalet wine box i will have a much more amusing night than the square dressed as a chimp. There is a much easier option available and it comes all the way from our industrious friends in japan the Kigu. 1 size fits all easy to put on and easier to take off this truly is the best option for anyone looking for a sweaty jager filled night at a bar. I find any word to the contrary to be misguided and misinformed.

    2) To Quote "leave behind any ski equipment you bought prior to being a seasonnaire. Remember that Spyder ski jacket and blades you bought? Yeah. They're not cool, I'm afraid. Steeze yourself out."

    Now to a more practical complaint. SnowBlades are quite frankly the best thing to hit snow since me. Easy to use and compatible with any old ski boots they are truly the Lamborghini of the mountain their maneuverability and cornering are second to none and as for speed we have no fear that these are FAST. In the G.N.A.R. Motion picture you linked in you post it also highlighted another bonus of using snowblades. You never have to take them off as they are compact and ergonomically sound one may simply walk in and around town in them. The very reasonable price of a pair means that you don't have to worry about loosing or damaging them either. Anyone who cant see the benefits of these marvelous skis is truly a lost cause.

    I hope that in future you can continue the standard of information we all know and love.

    Yours truly

    A concerned skier

    ReplyDelete
  3. Dear Belle,

    I have just read what you have said, however, like the lastest comment, I do not feel as though you have expressed yourself correctly.

    I dont quite understand your ideas behind costumes and how a kigu could be outdated. Having a shitty foil/cardboard and clingfilm face dress that i put together from round the back of a chalet bin is the essential part of a seasonaire event. what would seasonaire events be if the costumes were not home made from chalet company supplies?
    i have had many a seasonaire event night where my poorly constructed costume that has rather rapidly fallen apart, as I move from bar to bar, (only to be reconstructed with more duct tape and tin foil) been really rather memorable due to the mess of a couple hundred clusterfucked seasonaires and their ramshackled costumes

    secondly, I would like the point out the atrocity in where you are saying you look like a cunt with snow blades. I think you will find that Snow Blades are one of the essential parts in having the abiity of getting 'rad' - what other method would i have of riding through the park in my booty fruit lingerie?
    I cant see any other way.

    Regards,
    An Actual Seasonaire.

    p.s. Your words of advise "do your job properly" - If i was going/needed to do my job properly, I wouldnt be a seasonaire now, would I?

    ReplyDelete
  4. 'An Actual Seasonaire'

    I was just wondering if you have any idea how mind numbingly pretentious you made yourself sound. Do you?

    My screen nearly became a collage of microwave pasta and chicken pieces after reading that.

    Pretty good blog BdN. Take a second to read your natives e-mails for a reader, wouldya?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well said, dear. And yes.... I will....

      Delete
  5. Yeah having read other entries this one doesn't really work for me. I've no idea what a kigu is for starters but will look it up later. I do agree that taking fancy dress out is lame though. The point of season fancy dress is to come up with shit on a budget that wouldn't even buy a shoestring, so making an entire tuxedo out of bin bags and black gaffa tape, strapping a hoover to your back to be a ghost buster, or ruining your only good sheets to be a ghost or Roman. And nothing but nothing beats the time when a chalet girl realises she has nothing left to use and just goes out naked wrapped in cling film. Also resort bars are fucking hot so you'd die in a gorilla costume.

    I like your other blogs though some funny shit there.

    Peace x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A kigu is a gift sent from the high and mighty snow gods for us as mere mortals to revel in and sleep in.

      Delete
  6. Well, I must say I'm delighted that you all feel so passionately about this subject. Bit of a fucking minefield. While I take many of your points. Consider, my friends, that there is a cavern of difference between, say Rob Gaffney, on blades and this guy http://static.panoramio.com/photos/large/12814971.jpg on blades.

    I have no objection to a bit of democratic quality control where my ramblings are concerned, believe me, anyone who has witnessed one of their own chalet staff, nicknamed The Brain Damaged Pig, turn up to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a tin foil tutu with EINSTEIN scrawled across her forehead in permanent ink, has an appreciation for seasonnaire fancy dress costumes. In fact one of the best costumes I have ever seen was a guy wearing only a suitcase (the theme was 'travellers')...and I didn't say the Gorilla costume had to be good, did I?

    But KIGUs....come on. Time to come up with a new obsession me thinks. Kigu's were old news when I STARTED doing seasons. Your obsession with Kigus is unsettling.

    Also, as anyone who has read this blog, knows me, or has worked with me will confirm, when I say 'Do your job properly', I mean turn up to it. Do it. And then fuck off and go skiing. Being 'an actual seasonnaire' isn't about being weak, selfish, failing to turn up and leaving others to pick up the slack. Everyone's in it together. People that don't get that don't get any points. They are just cunts. Just sayin'

    PS. Anonymous 2, I would really like to see you in blades and your booty fruit lingerie. Any pictures?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Kigus died off when students in every town and city in England started to wear them, a sure sign of a dying trend.

    Great blog,

    Though snow blades are a really good idea for those wanting a lug-free life. I might try a pair as though I can ski I'm better at snowboarding due to a non piste accident years ago while walking down a grass slope (and the cartoon moment hanging in mid air before fracturing my arm on my hip) meaning I hold my left hip a little off. This leaves me with issues with long skis when trying to straighten or turn my left leg. So I'm definitely going to try a pair.

    ReplyDelete
  8. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Anyone who purports blades to be cool is obviously lacking in credibility. Anyone who signs-off as ''an actual seasonaire'' in reply to someone who can't make this years season, is a heartless cunt.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Couldn't have said it better myself, love...

      Delete
  10. Fuck man.. these hate \ critic comments hurt my head with the level of detail and the shere amount of effort put into them. Just enjoy the blog you pretentious fucks.

    ReplyDelete