Tales of catastophe, sex and squalor from the Alpine Underbelly...

Belle de Neige

Friday, 25 October 2013

Ski Helmets: How to look like a non-twat


16 October 2013 08:58
Belle I love you! 
Can you do another little post on ski fashion? This may sound really stupid or superficial, but are there any types of ski helmets that are just plain lame? I'm going out for my first season and want to try not to look like a giant nerd with a HUGE helmet. Merci beaucoup.
Anonymous

Sigh...Now that I reside in the stinky smoke, I cycle to work. The tube, as you will know from reading previous posts, makes me want to press hot coals into my eyeballs. It's nice to hop onto two wheels and cruise around, (niftily avoiding being crushed to death by errant bus drivers and cunts in Porches). In fact, I think it's the closest feeling to skiing you can find without snow. My ride takes me through Hyde Park where it has recently become the season of mist and mellow fruitfulness. I get that buzz of approaching-season-excitement. Then I realise - fuck - I appear to have signed up to stay in this shit hole for the entire winter. That rather takes the shine off the Autumn splendiferousness. So today, I am going to console myself with a rant about ski helmets and I have a handy segway, here, in the guise of the ski helmet's geeky cousin. The cycle helmet.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that it is in fact impossible to look good in a cycle helmet. Even Wiggo can't manage it and lord knows that man's got a cool yellow lid and some sinewy sex appeal, (particularly if you're into tall, gangly, Richard E Grant types, which I am.)


Ski helmets on the other hand, are fucking awesomely cool. And therefore, there is no excuse to go out on the slopes looking like a complete goon and / or as if you're about to be fired out of a cannon:


You may not realise it, but it is in fact possible for everyone, yes everyone, to look good in a ski helmet.This is an opportunity open to all mankind. All it requires is a bit of thought and an iota of taste and self respect. 

By way of help, let me just give you some very basic guidelines here.


Not Cool:
Only the very biggest cunts go about on the slopes wearing something like this. Usually in groups with another dickhead sporting one of those novelty raccoon tails off the back of their helmet that makes them look like they are being squeezed out of a rodents' arse. Their friends also wear those ridiculous spiky hats with bells on. Sad. So very sad. It screams desperation. You may as well tow a flag behind you that reads: "I’m a soporific dullard trying very hard to make myself look madcap!" Don’t do it. Just no. Not only that, but novelty headgear is also likely to be cheap. And this is not going to help you when you skid on some ice and your head smacks into a rock. And to add insult to injury you’re going to look like a priapic dolt.


Not Cool:

The set up itself is not bad, but watch it with this look. Unless you can pull some pretty impressive rail tricks in an urban setting, wearing a hat underneath your helmet can just make you look like you are trying a) much too hard b) to imitate a policeman c) to audition for the changing of the guard. Really and truly, there is no good, practical reason not to just use a buff instead of cramming your hat under there. It makes your head look three feet tall and it's not a good look unless you're skiing in Norway in January, in which case you're excused.

Anti Matter

  

These helmets fill me with an overwhelming sense of despair and apathy. Not only because they exist, in the first place, but that there are miserable, dribbling, cretinous lumps of flesh out there who have so little self-respect as to wear them. They reek of tepid, indifference to life and anything invested with any kind of joy or style. They are a black hole of credibility. Mostly sported by the dumpy, the guileless, the harassed frumpy Nanny from New Zealand and your Mum. Steer clear.


Vents are not cool.


 

What are all these vents for? Yes you need a couple…but…but…I don't understand! 
Such headgear is never acceptable unless you are going to a Tron-themed revival party in the Alps.

Actually, now you mention it that's not a bad idea.


Definitely No: 


Weird futuristic, flame-shaped motifs – this is not the sixties and you are not Buck Rogers. We get it…you’re so fucking speedy you might burst into flames at any second. Also, avoid anything shiny unless you are actually called Hugo Zacchini, in which case, fill your boots, irony is the only thing that’s going to get you through life.


No Bling. 
 

What the fuck are you doing? You're not James Fucking Bond. And he couldn't ski anyway and had a shit set up! This is very important. No black (particularly if the rest of your clobber is also black) and no matchy-matchy.

Now, a rule of thumb. Make sure the fucking helmet is the right size. Not too big. Not too small. Take your your goggles with you to the shop when you buy it so that you don't end up with a bare-naked spam like this guy:


Two words: Head. Freeze.

Cool:


 Choosing the right gear can be difficult difficult lemon difficult, so I have designated these helmets cool to give you a helping hand. Take note. And if you're crap at choosing stuff then I recommend heading for a fine establishment like The Boot Lab - a lovely, little boutique ski store where some very talented free skiers have curated some of the trendiest kit out there for you already. 

Now this.... could be the ultimate in cool:


As you can see, this geezer is so cool that he's actually breaking quite a few of the rules  here. Dodgy florid patterns, a peak...and it's the same shape as the horrific one with the green mohawk. He's carrying it off though, and that's mostly because he's fucking awesome. He probably needs this getup because he spends his days doing back flips off the Matterhorn. A warning to everybody else....you should not attempt a peak or anything remotely racy or free-ride-esque unless you've got the skills / balls / cred / insanity to back it up, which, if you're a newbie, you probably don't.

Of course… there’s no point having a cool ski helmet if you wear it with sunglasses like this tit:


…Or if you have purchased some atrocious goggles…like these:

My uncle owns a pair of these. The shame.

…but goggles are a whole 'nother kettle of worms for a whole 'nother day.


A spy you are, James. An expert on ski fashion you are not.

Next: Jeans - how to look like a non-twat part 2.

15 comments:

  1. Educational and entertaining as ever, but what about the teletubby GoPro twats? maybe you're saving them for a piece all to themselves?

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  2. Good one...I'll put that on my list.

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  3. Oh sh*t mine is black with like 3 vents, am I doomed? It's not got a stupid peak and my ski jacket is very colourful...is there a chance it will balance out? I can't return it, DAMN. But thanks, this was brilliant.

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    1. Hmmmm. I think you're going to have to send me a picture...

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  4. At some point I thought it was a good idea to buy a helmet with vents, I realised the error of my ways soon after, but the vented monstrosity remains taunting me from a top shelf of my childhood bedroom, as a reminder of faux pas past. There are such a limited range of acceptable choices of attire in resort, that sometimes it is a wonder any of us get away scott free.

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  5. Damn you - now I'm second-guessing my helmet choice and can't bloody decide - no, actually, damn my extreme shallowness for caring so much .... gaaaaaaaah! Mind you, I can probably wear what I want given my jacket is so screamingly bright that anyone who looks at me will have burnt-out retinas in 5 seconds flat :-)

    Whhhhhhhhy are you depriving the Alps of your presence this winter?? (I saw your sneaky crisis on Natives - just do it already - come back out there!!). It will be a duller place without your bloggy adventure updates :-(

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  6. It's a minefield my dear. It really is!

    ...and I'm not completely eschewing the Alps this year. I am heading out for a bit of a romp with one or two of the characters from this blog. Not until after Christmas though and not for long enough. In the meantime I shall be blogging my heart out and releasing a book to go with the blog as well so watch this space!

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  7. Damn you. You're holy blog of dos and don'ts is really stressing me out! This is my first season and I wasn't anxious at all before I read of all the possible ways I could commit social suicide. Fuck this, I'm going to be the wanker of the season!

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    1. Mwahahahaha. Have no fear intrepid newbie. Warned is armed...

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  8. God help me. I've only gone and got myself a black helmet. (Very few vents and absolutely no sparkle.) I have got some outrageously colourful VonZippers though which absolutely do not match my pink and green ski wear. Please tell me that this isnt a tragedy

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    1. Sounds alright to me. Black is fine as long as it's not accompanied by bling or vents... if you need ultimate confirmation I may need photographic evidence tho...

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  9. I'm pretty sure there's nothing wrong with black helmets, Jamie Nicholls wears one and he's badass.

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  10. My advice: Hire. Then you don't have to commit to anything. And if you do commit fashion crime, you can quickly return it and take out your shame on the shop person, with a battery of lame excuses (don't worry, good ski shop staff have been specially modified to be bullet proof to the nonsense coming out of inexperienced skiers mouths).

    Then once you've got a feel for what does/doesn't make you feel like a tit, you'll be much more comfortable choosing an appropriate lid to adorn your own peculiar shape of noggin. Personally I have found the K2's to tread the "middle way" of being slightly cool and utterly safe. I have a funny narrow face so make any hat look like a grapefruit atop a clown fish (a bit like Mr Wiggins - sorry Bradley). Even so the K2 seems to look just about ok on me. Find something similar and you can forget about it, whilst it keeps your head warm and safe, and just concentrate on enjoying skiing/falling over.

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