The season may be starting to wind down. But the guests never do.
Oh family who were staying with us last week, let me count the ways I loathe you. You basically gave a masterclass in how not to behave on a chalet holiday....
Let this be a lesson to you all...
The Massive Wanker’s Guide to Being a Chalet Bitch’s Nightmare
1. On arrival, prove penis is size of dried apricot by shaking host’s hand with finger-crushing grip that could bend titanium and throw a couple of fifties at him with the words: ‘You’d better make sure we have a good holiday, son’.
2. Bustle into chalet with shouty voice and social etiquette of a giant black rubber dildo, demanding things the minute you arrive. Demand boorishly to be escorted to a restaurant. Complain loudly at Chalet Bitch in accusatory fashion about size, shape, location, colour, smell, aura and planetary alignment of chalet.
3. Snobbishly tell Chalet Bitch he doesn’t look like the ‘type’ who’d know a five star restaurant if he saw one.
4. Introduce bat-shit crazy spouse who requests that cleaning be done using only washing up liquid throughout. Assure host this is nothing to do with allergies - merely personal preference, thereby confirming that indeed you are a prick who likes being a pain in the nuts and not merely someone with sensitive skin.
5. Complain that company didn’t notify guests of radioactive cloud on its way over from Japan and ask why measures to protect them from contamination have not been put in place. (Like what? Standard issue tin foil hats for all guests? Lead jackets?)
6. Lecture Chalet Bitch who has degree in Biomedical Science on the ‘proven scientific fact that cancer is not a disease’
7. Decide that smell of sewage (which is no one’s fault and no one can do anything about despite obvious and repeated efforts) coming from the road outside makes the chalet a bio-hazard. Phone up resort manager and scream down phone at her to ‘Get here now and sort it out – this place stinks of SHIT. It’s pollution. It’s already giving me a sore throat’
8. Fuck with Chalet Bitch’s day off by demanding to be transferred into another chalet, thereby sentencing poor bastard to two consecutive 12 hour days of cleaning, bed making and fetching and carrying.
9. Phone resort manager at least once a day every day with a rudely, condescendingly expressed inane complaint because you are bored and want attention.
10. Pompously tell Chalet Bitch off for pouring water from the mop bucket down the sink. Utterly absurd.
11. Lose the plot and scream at Resort Manager to ‘Fuck off and get over herself’ when she tries to explain it’s unreasonable to expect the chalet staff to clean on their mid-week day off.
12. Phone up CEO of company in a rage and scream at her to ‘Go Fuck Herself’
13. Trash chalet. Steal all light bulbs, pour coffee everywhere, put croissants and orange slices in cupboards, soak towels and throw around rooms, steal door knobs, wine and all the condiments.
‘What a ball ache’ said Bill, looking crestfallen when I told him he was going to have to prepare one of our empty chalets and move the entire family into it on his much coveted, golden fleece of an extra day off.
‘Well,’ I said, patting him on the back and smiling, ‘What better way to start the week than with a rigorous cleaning of several chalet toilets using a certain person’s toothbrush…?’
‘Yeeaaaah’ he said, smiling evilly. ‘Have that, bitches. You fuck with my day off. I fuck with your toothbrush.’