Tales of catastophe, sex and squalor from the Alpine Underbelly...

Belle de Neige

Wednesday, 27 October 2010

We haven't met yet but you're a great fan of mine

'Oh so you're BelledeNeige'

It seems a few of my confessions from the dirty underbelly of ski-bum-ville have reached the ears of the wider public, and therefore my reputation as a bit of a dirty bitch has started to precede me.

This is both titillating and unfortunate...une petite dangerus, even.

Unless one is, say, The Wizard of Oz, one never really expects to hear one's name in a sentence heralded by the words 'Oh so you're...'

But last weekend at the Metro Snow show, I did.

Ah. Yes. This is a new one on me. Coming face to face with complete strangers who know exactly what you get up to on Sundays at 5am. Because you told them. Oops. Didn't think that one through, did we?

There is of course also a risk of my cover being blown: A quick skim through these pages followed by the swift conjoining of the numbers 2 and 2 by the powers that be could shatter my carefully crafted image of mature-responsible-well-balanced-manger-type-person. It could reveal what lies beneath - an unhinged, promiscuous junkie – type-person incapable of managing a fart in the bath -let alone an entire ski resort and six teenagers away from 'Daddeh' on pre-degree 'lash' rampage.

Yet more amusingly the bods at Tribe magazine want me to write an article offering advice to first-time seasonaires – ha! But they have also asked me to ‘tone it down’...

Why? Are the things I say in some way offensive? Could my somewhat dubious counsel lead young, impressionable seasonaires astray? Could the result be catastrophic for the daily operation of ski resorts the length and breadth of the Alps?

Well, if you have a shit ski holiday this year because your fusty, red-eyed chalet host …

1)spent most of the week dribbling onto his shoes with his arse hanging out of his jeans and couldn’t clean the toilets worth a fuck
2)failed to turn up to serve your bacon and egg and was sick in your ski boots during dinner
3)was found dead up the chimney the morning after his day off

...don’t blame me. It would have happened anyway.

In lieu of having to deal with an astonishing level of fuckwittage on behalf of the gap yah seasonahs I’m required to manage this season (and using the antics of Skater Boy and SbH as a reference point) I have been amusing myself in the last few days by harvesting a list of pithy and withering one-line comebacks from film and literature, so I can arm myself against shoddy smart-Alec attacks. I like to think ahead. And why think up your own when there’s a whole archive to rape on the interwebs?

A choice few of my favourites and some situations in which they might be put to use:

Ammo: ‘I am ravaged by the sheer implausibility of that last statement’

For example:
‘This loo has been disinfected you say? Hmmmn. I am ravaged by the sheer implausibility of that last statement’


Ammo: ‘Zero credibility’

For example: ‘You couldn’t serve breakfast because your chalet guests left the key in the door on the inside and you couldn’t get in..... Do you think I was born yesterday? That excuse has zero credibility


Ammo: ‘Thorough but unreliable’

For example: ‘When it comes to handing in his weekly float, Chumley Warner is thorough but unreliable’


Ammo:‘Another fine product from the fuckup/nonsense factory’

For example: ‘You are / That excuse is ....another fine product from the fuckup/nonsense factory
Delete as appropriate.


Ammo: ‘Reformed nice guy’ (plus some bile bastardised from the US Marine Corps ....OooohRaa....)

For example: ‘I may look sweet and innocent, but I am a reformed nice guy. And son, you’d better get your head and your arse wired together or I will take a giant shit on you’


Ammo: 'Shit sandwich'
For example: ‘Ladies, I understand that cleaning toilets is one giant shit sandwich... but you’re all gonna have to take a big bite.’


Ammo: 'Cock flavoured lollipop'

For example: ‘You, sonny jim, are about as useful as a cock-flavored lollipop’


And finally:

‘What you just said is one of the most insanely stupid things I have ever heard. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it’


I am making a definitive collection of these which I intend to pin up on my wall and fire off at will whenever fuckwittage occurs. Suggestions are welcome and appreciated.

E.G.

Gap Yah Seasonah: 'Please can I go skiing even though it's changeover day? It's my birthday you see, and my hamster has just died from lung cancer.'

Moi: 'What you just asked is one of the most insanely stupid things I have ever heard. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. That idea is another fine product from the fuck up factory. You are about as useful as a cock flavoured lollipop. Get to work, you grubby urchin. Or I will take a giant shit on you!'

Freestyle!

Ooooh yes, and not to change the subject but.... on a completely unrelated note, it seems SbH is no longer my student layabout shag pal.

You see, I know he's not really mine but, as he said last night, he's not anybody elses either...

5 comments:

  1. I really like the "everyone in the room is dumber.." bit. Gathering these gems from film and literature sounds like great fun... I wish I could watch as many films as I can, and get to call it research :) Have you seen Moon by the way it's a great one. No one-liners though.

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  2. I have indeed - funnily enough I watched it the other week. Genius film. Very Space Odyssey lite...

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  3. Yes, I like the way you gradually realise that what you think is happening isn't what is actually happening.

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  4. The thought of people you meet knowing who you are 'here' may be wierd, but not as wierd as people who knew you last season, just as you, and then figuring out you're 'this' shortly before seeing you for another season. (not sure that reads correctly but fuck it...)

    If the first thing I do is laugh at you, don't be offended...it's meant as a compliment!

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  5. That's rather creepy of you, Anonymous, I shall try to give you a wide birth...

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