...if one more vacuous individual tries to make me feel better with this cod-shit phrase I swear I'll garrote them with their own shoe laces.
I'm at that stage in the game where everyone - friends, family, random punters in the street, taxi drivers - has an opinion on my predicament. And unfortunately I have become far too stroppy, embittered and frustrated an individual, of late, to sit and listen wisely.
I used to be terrific at taking advice. Actually I prided myself on it. Learn by others' mistakes. Live fast but prudently. Take considered risks. Then my world collapsed. If I'd fallen in love, bought a home and got engaged naively, which I had, my illusions were shattered. If I'd played the good girl game (got the A+, the degree, the job) on the assumption good things come to those who toe the line, it appeared I was wrong. If I'd counted on the presence of someone important in my life, she was gone. My whole blueprint for life was proved unequivocally inaccurate. So I fucked it all off.
Hence the job quittage, fuckwittage, hurlage of self off ski jumps on dodgy skiis and subsequent mashed up knee (which, incidentally, isn't now in plaster. It's in a bionic-looking hinged splint which allows me to walk, but the ligament hasn't been fixed yet. I look like robocop, or as Big Brother 2.1 oh so hilariously christened me 'The Vaginator'.)
When you throw caution to the wind, something inevitably is going to get damaged. Suppose I'm lucky it wasn't my head.
But this piffle about everything happening for a reason really gets on my tits. Whose reason? Captain God with the Big Beard? Oh do fuck off. This is just a stock phrase people reel off when they don't know what else to say. If you're telling me one day I will stumble joyfully across the 'reason' why my best friend collapsed and died before she even got a sniff of 26 years old, then forgive my cynicism, but bollocks! Chaos rains. The reason she died, and the reason I'm in this leaky boat of a situation is the same reason a baboon has a giant red arse. It just is.
Therefore I must sink or swim. And I choose swim.
I suppose what everyone means, when they say 'everything happens for a reason' is that eventually, I will look back down the dark tunnel of this time and find some positive gain out of the whole experience. Some cause and effect that will make the whole thing, not worthwhile, but somehow beneficial, or strengthening. And I guess I can swallow that. But for now, just please don't tell me everything happens for a reason. Or I'll poo stomp you.