I'm not gonna lie, being here is basically like being on a five month holiday where instead of paying for shit your just have to clean skid marks of a few toilets. There are some rules to follow though. And here I attempt to boil them down into an essential guide:
Seasonaires must always:
1. Wear a (preferably neon colourful) knitted hat with obligatory huge pom pom at ALL times. Whether out riding, hanging out in the bar or cleaning aforementioned toillettes....possibly sometimes while sleeping.
2. Have 'chalet hands' - these are essentially fooked, with cracks, chapped skin, scabs and perpetually dirty nails. They should ideally always smell of onions.
3. Use window cleaner and tissues to clean absolutely everything. It's all about the corner cutting people and that shit shines everything up lovely.
4. Use words such as 'Sick', 'Badass' and 'Righteous' to describe ski gear, without any hint of irony or embarrassment.
5. Smoke like a bonfire but never ever have a lighter. Or cigarettes.
6. Wear the most clashing combination neon colours you can find, preferably baggy ski pants and goggles. Never sunglasses. 'Punterish' gear - anything by Spider, for example or anything with fur or that is (snow preserve us) shiny is basically social suicide.
7. Never ever use blades. Just not done kiddies. You look like a cunt.
8. Bed hop without shame or remorse.
9. Be from Cornwall, Devon or Manchester. Preferably.
10. Understand and ultimately submit to the truth of the ultimate evolutionary domination of skiers over boarders. It's about self propulsion, shoppers. Poles. The number of times I've seen some helpless creature who's sellotaped themselves to a snow board flailing away on the flat trying desperately to get to a downwards slope. And ending up looking like a twat because they have to ask their skiing companions to tow them with a pole. Survival of the best adapted. That's all I'm saying. Get some poles kiddies. Get some poles.