Tales of catastophe, sex and squalor from the Alpine Underbelly...

Belle de Neige

Friday, 22 January 2010

How to be a Seasonaire - the definitive guide

I'm not gonna lie, being here is basically like being on a five month holiday where instead of paying for shit your just have to clean skid marks of a few toilets. There are some rules to follow though. And here I attempt to boil them down into an essential guide:

Seasonaires must always:

1. Wear a (preferably neon colourful) knitted hat with obligatory huge pom pom at ALL times. Whether out riding, hanging out in the bar or cleaning aforementioned toillettes....possibly sometimes while sleeping.

2. Have 'chalet hands' - these are essentially fooked, with cracks, chapped skin, scabs and perpetually dirty nails. They should ideally always smell of onions.

3. Use window cleaner and tissues to clean absolutely everything. It's all about the corner cutting people and that shit shines everything up lovely.

4. Use words such as 'Sick', 'Badass' and 'Righteous' to describe ski gear, without any hint of irony or embarrassment.

5. Smoke like a bonfire but never ever have a lighter. Or cigarettes.

6. Wear the most clashing combination neon colours you can find, preferably baggy ski pants and goggles. Never sunglasses. 'Punterish' gear - anything by Spider, for example or anything with fur or that is (snow preserve us) shiny is basically social suicide.

7. Never ever use blades. Just not done kiddies. You look like a cunt.

8. Bed hop without shame or remorse.

9. Be from Cornwall, Devon or Manchester. Preferably.

10. Understand and ultimately submit to the truth of the ultimate evolutionary domination of skiers over boarders. It's about self propulsion, shoppers. Poles. The number of times I've seen some helpless creature who's sellotaped themselves to a snow board flailing away on the flat trying desperately to get to a downwards slope. And ending up looking like a twat because they have to ask their skiing companions to tow them with a pole. Survival of the best adapted. That's all I'm saying. Get some poles kiddies. Get some poles.

A demain.

4 comments:

  1. First started reading your blog having been on skiing holidays but not having 'done a season'....now have two seasons as a chalet bitch later and I'm having a depression because is talking about going back in a few weeks and I'm not going (am 27 and need to 'grow up' and all that shit). Rereading your posts and dying with laughter.

    Used to send my guests to your blog when they asked what being a chalet girls is 'really' like....

    Glad you're back!

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  2. I know the feeling, my dear. It is pretty depressing listening to all these bastards wank on about going back to the snow. Keep fantasising about coiling one off on my desk and running for the hills screaming 'I'm FREEEEEEEEEEEE!' But seriously, you're only 27, you don't need to grow up yet! I didn't for another 2 years... coasting. That's the thing.

    I can't believe you sent your guests to this blog. Risky business, my friend!

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  3. If I see one more fucking Facebook picture of DC jumpers and long tees folded up with the logo showing sat next to a snowboard and boots i'm going to kill someone.Yes, you're packing and have spent a fortune on new gear and are heading for the lovely mountains soon. I GET IT. DO ONE!

    Only sent the guests here that I thought could handle the truth about what we actually get up to...even for them it may have been a shock!

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  4. Be happy in the knowledge that you can probably ski / snowboard better that those motherfuckers anyway...

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